We all want our happily-ever-after. We all hope that the next person we fall for is "the one." But honestly, how often does this hold to be true? What are the odds that the next person you like will become someone you date and then someone you become serious with and then the person you marry and the person you spend the rest of your life with? Realistically, I'm guessing the odds are probably about 1%, especially in today's age when divorce rates skyrocket and people seem to work less and less at having a successful relationship.
Someone I know said he always looks about ten years down the road when he considers dating someone, while everyone is entitled to their own method of choosing who they date, I completely disagree with this method of selection. What if instead of looking years into the future before selecting someone, you simply looked at the here and now? I know this sounds awful but I think you should go into a relationship with an expectation that it won't end in the happily-ever-after til death do us part, because even that's not a guarantee. Not saying to go into a relationship with negative expectations but realistically 95% of relationships, at least, are doomed for failure so why delude yourself that this is "the one." Just go with the flow and just because the relationship may ultimately lead to a bitter breakup doesn't mean that you shouldn't try it anyways. Think of all the great moments you'll have together. So what if it only last 2 months, 2 years or 20 years. Was the time worth it? Were all the happy memories that you shared together worth the slight pain of a break-up?
No one likes to let their guard down and feel they have been made a fool of. Sometimes we are so afraid of risking our emotions that we withhold ourselves and miss out on phenomenal opportunities. Sometimes we pretend that things will just happen on their own, but relationships need a push. They need an instigator. Someone to get the ball rolling. We are scared, we have been hurt, we carry our baggage on our shoulders and we allow past events to dictate the future. Think back to when you were a child – did you base your decisions that you made on prior events or did you simply go with the flow – not looking back on the past and not looking ahead at the future, simply allowing things to take their natural course. If it ended badly, you moved on. Carefree, accepting the good and the bad but reveling more in the good experiences you had the privilege to have because you didn't withhold. You weren't scared of asking someone how they felt about you because you were afraid of their answer. You weren't afraid of approaching a stranger thinking you'd be rejected by them. You didn't refrain from something you wanted because previous experiences dictated that they may not be trustworthy. You took risks, you jumped out of planes without parachutes and look how much happier you were.
What's the worst that could happen? Someone "breaking your heart?" Yes it hurts, I know I've been there. It was the worst feeling in the world but I survived and despite the pain that accompanied the heartbreak I wouldn't to this day trade in all the good moments I had with that person to escape the pain. I'm reveling in the moments where I have never laughed harder, never smiled longer, never felt so loved and adored and never been happier. We always tend to reflect upon our past relationships by only examining the negative, never the positive. Even with emerging relationships, we only really discuss them with our friends when it is frustrating, confusing, and not going as planned. We obsess over the bad and let the good fly out of mind. Why? Do we enjoy tormenting ourselves?
I, more than most, have been guilty of this. Letting perfect opportunities to laugh, smile, and be happy walk away because I've let the past and future embed themselves in the present. But I have decided that I am now going to live in the present and the present alone. No longer am I going to make someone new pay for someone else's mistakes. Just because someone betrayed you in the past doesn't mean that everyone else will do it. Just because someone else broke your heart doesn't meant the next person that comes along will do the same. Just because one person lied to you does not mean everyone will. Give each new opportunity you are blessed with the privilege of having a clean slate. Try to allow that person to make their own mistakes and not be burdened with the mistakes of the people before them. Do not make them pay the price of what someone before them did to you. Don't take things at surface value. Don't be afraid to get to know someone before you judge them. Give them second chances when they step off the path. It takes awhile to get to truly know someone and just because they don't react the way you want or expect doesn't mean they are trying to deliberately hurt you. Most of the time, people aren't out to get you, they simply screw up. Don't deal out harsh penalties, think of when you were younger. You let people screw up and find themselves again without punishing them, without expecting them to be flawless. Stop worrying about getting hurt and start learning how to be happy, revel in the good moments and dismiss the bad.
I leave you with this story that I am borrowing from my friend, Brooke.
A Carrot, an Egg, and a Cup of Coffee
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what you see?"
"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity ... boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water. "Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain when the water gets hot; it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
