sexual vampires & their prey

Take, take, take. Me, me, me, me, me. It's all about ME.

We've all known someone like this. Otherwise known as the 'selfish lover.' These are the lovers that expect you to spend countless hours massaging them with your tongue, stroking them with your hand until it practically falls off, and then making sure their rocket orbits around the moon even if yours never leaves the launch pad.

As a girl, I found it hard to vouch for my sex as far as how many of us are or are not selfish lovers. The best I can do is estimate but even that would be of no use. This being said, this is not a blog to bash men, albeit it may, on surface level, appear to be as much. Overall though, it is more of a complaint against the individuals who expect it all and give nothing back. Given that I am a woman who has not had sexual relations with another woman, beyond heavy make-out sessions, I can not accurately state how many women are selfish lovers but feel free to leave your experiences.

However, when it comes to men, I've got more than enough to banish their sex to the depths of hell and back for all the selfish lovers I have endured or left in the midst of their sexually excited prime. Perhaps much of my complaint lies in not having a strong emotional bond with the man and his lack of desire to not please those he does not have emotional investment in, but regardless, in general one could assume that you would always want to be remembered well when it came to sexual adventures as you never know where it may land you further down the road, albeit it more sex from that individual or perhaps a friend who was so overwhelmed by your remarkable sexual prowess that they simply had to see for themself if you were as orgasmic as they were lead to believe.

Women like to please, men don't. It's not an observation, it's an almost hardened fact. Women will go out of our way to please others, and perhaps this is our downfall, but men don't seem to complain about it too often when it leads to them receiving countless blowjobs, hand jobs and naughty outfits strictly for their amusement.

Yet when it comes to sex, there seems to be an abundance of male selfish lovers and I believe I have had them all. Ones who expect a decent amount of foreplay, translation: give them a deep throated blow job until they are primed and ready to thrust it into you somewhere else and your jaw has gone numb with the pain of having his manhood repeatedly shoved in and out, while he is not necessarily eager to reciprocate the action for you, on any level. At this point, the selfish lover simply inserts his cock into another hole and has at it. Despite all the prior knowledge that women take far longer to heat up then men but, eh, who cares if she's rip-roaring and ready to go – just dose her with a bottle of lube and instant human blow up doll.

Last time I checked, sex required more than one active participant. If you are only looking to satisfy yourself, visit the sex shop and purchase yourself a toy and some videos. Since sex for our species is not done primarily with the intent of procreation then it can be said that sexual satisfaction should be enjoyed by both parties (this is not to necessarily claim that both parties must orgasm as there are other ways to pleasure your partner sufficiently).

Per a discussion with a friend, who by all means is an extremely selfish lover (although he claims this is different when he has a deeper emotional attachment to the person), I have learned that perhaps for some, just sex with someone is no more than a means to an end with a living, breathing object and one who doesn't make you do all the work. According to him, "Men don't get what women get out of doing something for someone else. We don't enjoy pleasing someone else. Doesn't do anything for me anyway." Now granted, I know this does not pertain to all men, in all situations but it certainly explains my abundance of selfish lovers.

Personally, I am a sexaholic. I love sex and I love pleasing my partner, probably moreso than most women. I am always eager to go down on my guy and definitely down for a good romp in the "bedroom" as well as adorn slutty outfits to heighten his arousal; yet, should this mean that simply because I am overly eager to have his cock in my mouth in my school girl outfit that I should not be entitled to him finding some way to please me?

People who fail to take the time to pleasure their partners are certainly missing out on the best sex, regardless of whether they get their rocks off or not. From experience, I can vouch that once you've burned me in the sack you are through. And if you are okay with having to find someone new to fill your need every time it arises then by all means have at your selfish sex but if not, learn to reciprocate.

Sex is something we engage in out of the sheer pleasure of it. It is not a necessity in this day in age. Given recent medical abilities, we can impregnate women without a man being present, all we need are his best swimmers, and almost all of us are experts at self-gratification: so what is the point of sex if not to have a mutually pleasurable experience with someone else?

brainwashed visions of a utopian relationship

Utopian love. Boy meets girl. Boy woos girl. Boy and girl overcome the initial obstacle trying to prevent their love from blossoming. Boy and girl have the most orgasmic sex in the history of mankind without every discussing their sexual desires. It's simply magical how well they fit together. Boy and girl live 'happily-ever-after.' Sound too good to be true? It is. Consider it nothing more than Hollywood's overzealous and idealized relationship. Consider it nothing more than another Disney fairytale, only this one actually includes sex.

Is it safe and healthy to envision an ideal relationship or are we simply wishing on something that will never materialize?

Is your ideal relationship a love conquers all relationship perpetuated by Hollywood in films like 'Romeo + Juliet,' 'The Notebook,' 'Titanic,' and more recently 'P.S. I Love You,' where love extends even beyond the grave?

Movies represent love as an instant occurrence, never-ending and an unbeatable force of nature that one simply can not deny. When one impeccable relationship after another is impressed upon our minds, our unrealistic expectations increase exponentially. As a result, we desire perfection. We desire romantic mind-readers and mind-blowing bodies that perform sexual acts with the utmost proficiency.

Yes, there are those moments of instant attraction, immediate chemistry but how can you call that love? Take note of stories like 'Romeo + Juliet' or 'Moulin Rouge.' What is the likelihood of this becoming your real-life fantasy?

From childhood, we are brainwashed to believe in ridiculous notions of idealized romance and relationships. Childhood stories like 'Cinderella' and 'Sleeping Beauty' embody the misguided concept of the man who truly loves us coming to rescue us and prevailing over devastating circumstances. We, particularly women, grow up believing love conquers all and once we have someone to love us our own life will be complete. I believe Jerry McGuire said it best when he said, "you complete me."

One study even revealed that there is a direct correlation between total television consumption and partner/relationship beliefs. According to the study's findings, the more romance/relationship oriented the show, the more idealized partner/relationship beliefs. In these situations, there is also a stronger belief in mind-reading expectations, the belief that a disagreement in a relationship is destructive, and that fate brings together soul-mates. Watch out men if your woman loves her soap operas.

These notions of a hopeless romantic or being hopelessly in love also give way to the emphasis that we don't choose love and romance. How quickly do movie characters fall into bed with one another, how quickly do you? It is the idea that your sexual urges are overpowering and must be abated at once. You do not choose your sexual partners nor your true love. Everything is simply out of our control.

Or is it? According to 'The Law of Attraction,' you can attract your ideal relationship partner simply by putting out the right 'vibes' or energy. By shifting your focus and attention to what you do want and desire, you will be able to attract that which you truly crave.

To start, develop a list of all the traits and all the things you didn't like with previous partners. This is your 'contrast' list. Now go through the list and make each item a positive thing you desire. For example, if your previous partner never bought you flowers simply change your perception to desiring a partner who will bring you flowers as a romantic gesture. Change your focus to what you want instead of what you don't want. Whatever you put attention on is what you'll receive. Transform negative vibes into positive ones.

Is this even possible? To use vibes to hone in on someone who is ideally matched to you? Yet again, there is the notion that you have no choice, that you do not have to work for your ideal; that it will simply come to you.

Now, in the spirit of idealism, what is it you seek most in an ideal relationship? Be it a loving companion, a solid friendship, a strong sexual connection, a spiritual connection, or an opportunity for growth. Pretend you can have your 'happily-ever-after,' what is it you truly desire?

liars, tigers & bears - oh my!

'The lie is a condition of life.' Nietzche was a smart man. According to a 1996 study by Bella DePaulo, PhD and her colleagues, most people lie an average of 1-2 times a day, that both men and women lie in one fifth of their social exchanges lasting over ten minutes, and about thirty percent lie during one-on-one interactions. This isn't even including mindless pleasantries or polite equivocations. Their conclusions were solely based on official lies used to mislead or convey a falsehood.

Given all this lying, it is hard to imagine anyone being particularly honest, especially when their intentions are less than honorable or driven by some other selfish motive.

Of course, there are lies serving as harmless social lubricants thus making it easier to get along; but what about the lies intentionally used to emotionally mind-fuck someone into believing untruths for your sole benefit?

While women's lies tend to focus on making others feel better, such as claiming your best friends ass doesn't look like Shamu in her new jeans, men's lies focus on inflating their ego and concealment. With consideration to the purpose behind why men lie and their obsessional quest for sex, it is hardly a shock to the system that men conveniently lie to women to get them in bed. The ease of casual sex in society has made men unwilling to play by any rules but their own, even if it entails malicious emotional deception.

As a woman, how are you to believe anything a man says, especially one you have just met?

We've all heard the tales of women who go out and meet Mr. Wonderful who woos her with such flattery that he makes Casanova look like an amateur. Beautifully fabricated lines of how decadent her beauty is, how pleasurable her company is, how he would love to spend countless amounts of time with her, and possibly even cook for her. The woman in turn longingly hopes this seemingly perfect man is indeed real. And he is, until she has sex with him or until he has found a replacement and she never hears from him again. Or worse yet, perhaps for once the man actually means all that he has said but the woman, having been burned far too much in the past for being ridiculously hopeful, offends him when she can't believe him. So again, she is left with nothing.

In a time when lying seems to be on the uprise, how do you know who to trust? How do you spot the truly rare genuines in a sea full of deceit?

Even our society sends conflicting messages regarding lying. We are socialized to believe it is best to always tell the truth yet society encourages us to lie and even rewards deception. Eighty-five percent of couples interviewed in 1990 revealed that one or both partners had lied about past relationships or recent indiscretions. We are so conflicted that we don't even remain truthful to our supposed loved ones. Our moral bar has been lowered so much that women who complain about deception come off as high-maintenance psychos (Amy Sohn).

Are we simply to accept a lifestyle of lies and deceit? A life of being mentally brainwashed and raped by others so they may reap the benefits?

Lying inhibits our intrinsic worth and our ability to make free, rational choices. Philosopher Immanuel Kent proclaims that lying is always wrong on the grounds that it corrupts the most important quality of the human being: the ability to make free, rational choices. Lying also robs others of their freedom to choose rationally. By lying we are completely contradicting our right as humans.

Would the world be a better place if it was purged of the deceptions that seem to interfere with our attempts at genuine communication or intimacy?