the irony of my love life

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why emotions & sex don't mix

My best friend's a very smart woman. Wise beyond her years and it generally takes me screwing up a good deal to realize how incredibly right she is. She never blatantly tells me "I told you so" thus making me feel even worse for whatever horrible mistake I've just made. She at least allows me the dignity to come to those terms on my own, even if it takes awhile.

There are those who make their sentiments expressly known without any hope for subtlety and while I appreciate their blatant honesty, it is the understated tones of wisdom that my best friend provides that I find the most beneficial to coming to decisions which are only slightly prompted with her soothing yet honest words. Today was such a day.

We all fuck up. It's part of our nature. We fuck up and we hope, pray, that when we do there will be people there to catch us as we fall. She's always there. She was there when I first started talking to you, there when I vented my undying frustrations with you, there when I expressed my intense desire to not only strip you from my life but to hurt you as you hurt me. She was there, by my side, even when I went back and let you do it all over again, like a complete fool. She was there when I thought you had perhaps turned over a new leaf but you really hadn't instead you cost me more than I thought I would lose. Always wanting what I can't have and never appreciating what is there in front of my eyes.

She said you can't have sex without the emotions. She said it just doesn't work that way. Apparently she was right. Except that I thought I could. I thought I had, at least on some level but I suppose that once it becomes more than just a one night stand despite how much you try to deny yourself, how much you try to build up your wall so no one can think about penetrating your defenses, it happens.

All I was looking for was a good time and I ended up getting far more than I bargained for. I wanted something meaningless as harsh as that sounds. Instead, I got inundated with emotions on both sides, mine and theirs. And as foolish as I am, I chose the one who pushed me away, the challenge. My incessant need for a challenge. My incessant desire to always want that which I can not have. Overlooking that which was in front of my eyes. Foolish to think I could find people on that site and hope for fun times. So foolish to think that it could mean nothing. Foolish to think that my fantasies would be come reality.

Despite her quiet protests and valid points on why I should not be a fool yet again, I still somehow managed to screw it all up. Apparently you can't have your cake and eat it too. Life just wasn't meant to be that sweet. But we learn, at least hopefully we learn from our mistakes, and continue trudging on for you can't change what is the past you can only look forward to the future. So do I regret my decision? No because regretting something will never make it go away. I will take it with me as a life lesson. If nothing else it has forced me into a decision. Why I ever thought this way would work when nothing before it ever has is beyond me. It's just another way to trick you into feeling something, another way to trick you into getting hurt because as my ever wise friend said "there can be no sex without emotion."