29 June 2006

online dating: helpful or hindering

Say good-bye to those dreaded blind dates that your coupled friends are so fond of setting you up on. No longer do you have to degrade yourself by going to sleazy bars or single events because on-line dating is the new hip way to meet people. Picking your newest Mr./Ms. Wrong is only a simple click away. In fact, you can even be lounging around with curlers in your hair, no make-up on, in ratty pajamas eating a tub of Ben & Jerry’s while you peruse through your latest set of matches. Not only do you get to see what they look like but you get to know a bit about them, like if they’ve been married, have kids, or have a job, before you even have to make the first move. No cheesy pick-up lines needed here. Sounds perfect, right? While you may not have to spend hours getting your hair to do that perfect flip or poke yourself in your eye with not only your eyeliner but also your mascara before trying on a hundred different outfits that you decide have somehow shrunken two sizes overnight, you do, however, have to consider what is wrong with these people. If they were really a “catch” as they claim wouldn’t someone have caught them by now? Why are they really using an on-line dating service?

As a true single girl, I am attempting all means possible at finding Mr. Right or at least my Mr. Right-now so I, of course, have attempted the unthinkable and unmentionable, online dating. Not that I would brag about this to all my friends; in fact, most of us online daters prefer to keep our cyber dates a secret. At first I thought online dating was the best thing since Atkins. Another way to cheat the system. Heck, with Photoshop, I can even make any defect disappear in all my photos, but then again, so can everyone else. Wink after wink, turning into email after email, eventually turning into a filling online black book. That was, until I meet them in person. At least in a bar, whether intoxicated or not, you know what you are getting. No Photoshop there. Sad to say that none of them passed the test. Now it has gotten to the point where I’m afraid to even check to see who “winked” at me because it’s gone so far downhill. The guys I want send me the generic “not interested” emails and the guys I wouldn’t even set my awful cousin, Colleen, up with are winking at me. Even worse is the fact that when I do stumble across an attractive man all I can now do is try to figure out his big flaw. Does he chew like a cow, spend more time looking in the mirror than I do, sleep with the light on, have foul smelling breath or some other repulsive habit?

Recently, the online dating service I use began allowing you to see all the people who have viewed your profile. Genius, some would say. Me, I think it’s driving me further into dating exile. Now I can see all the guys who looked at my profile and deemed me unworthy. I get to see all the hotties I “winked” at who don’t even to bother with the “I am not interested” generic email. Seriously, all you have to do is click a box. It’s not like they even have to type it. I’m now getting rejected by people who haven’t even met me. Just the thought sends them running for the hills. Ouch! When did online dating get to be more depressing than the real thing? And who are all these so-called people that actually found “love” online?

28 June 2006

sexless and the city

When you’re not Carrie Bradshaw or Samantha Jones, the dating game takes on a whole new look. Men, especially the ones you desire, do not come flocking your way as soon as you enter the bar; and you certainly do not always end your night screaming in ecstasy. Instead, you go home, alone, depressed and ready to add yet another notch to your belt with all the comfort food you’ll be eating on the following day. Your only relief: knowing that you’ll at least be sleeping with one man: your ever faithful dog.

How did dating get to be such a complicated and nerve racking task? It’s become more of a chore than a pleasurable time. Growing up, everyone always made dating sound easy for women. Just look pretty and they will come. I may not be Angelina Jolie but I am certainly not Medusa either and I can certainly attest to not having a multitude of men surrounding me when I am out. I don’t get to have mind-blowing sex with a different man each night I hit the town, hell I can’t even get a call back when guys do come up and talk to me. Supposedly, it’s easier for women. I’ll admit if you are strictly looking for a one-night stand, of course it’s easier for women cause at least 90% of the men out there will take almost any woman home if it’s a sure thing. But if you are looking for that genuine guy who actually wants a relationship or at least wants to see you more than once then forget it honey, that’s like finding that needle in a haystack. I manage to stumble upon plenty of men who are willing to take me home with them to add as another notch on their bed post but none that are willing to take me home to meet their mother.

Dating in the real world is nothing like they portray it on tv. The Sex and the City girls never seemed to have problems finding dates nor did the girls on Friends or Grace on Will & Grace. Come to think of it, television makes the dating world look incredibly simple. Just walk out your front door and bang you’ve got yourself a date. Well, for any of us actually taking residence in reality you’ll know this is far from the truth because if dating in the real world was anything like tv or movie dating then internet services, like Match.com and eHarmony, and single events woud not be needed. Face it, who actually looks like Jennifer Aniston, Kim Cattrell or Matt LeBlanc or the new doctor on Grey’s Anatomy. Actually managing to get a date takes a lot of strategic planning and effort. And that’s just for one date. Who’s to say if you’ll actually make it to round two. Is it really worth all the effort it takes for us “average Joe’s” to get a date with today’s standards placed on men and women? Standards that only the Paris Hilton’s of the world can seem to live up to.

being single in an anti-single society

From the moment we are born til the moment we die, we are constantly reminded that two is better than one. Two heads are better than one. A pair of aces beats a single ace. There are all those buy one, get one free sales. Double features, two for one, the idea of a dynamic duo and then there are relationships. Over time, the notion of feeling complete through a relationship becomes so ingrained into our mindset that you can not help but feel you are better with someone than without. Until you have a significant other, you are meaningless. Any movie or story only embeds this notion further because they all revolve around the ever-present love story. Neither character can be complete until they find their “missing half.” Jerry McGuire said it best with, “you complete me.”

Often I find myself being asked, “Why are you single?” For me, this is the most loathed question of all. It can be both a compliment and insult rolled into one. Compliment if the person asking believes you to be such a catch that they are shocked you do not have someone devotedly attached to you. But, on the other hand, it could be an insult if it implies you have a flaw that has yet to be discovered. And since any respectable person would surely want to be permanently attached to someone else, this person simply wants to cut to the chase and find out what your flaw is. I get asked this demeaning question frequently, perhaps implying that I am a “catch,” yet I don’t have suitors begging to be with me. Do people really want you to answer this question truthfully? Here is my answer, “I am single because I choose to be, not because no one wants me.” While I may not have a line outside my door, I do have offers. They are just not good enough offers. I refuse to lower my standards on what I want simply because social standards demand that I have a significant other.

Has anyone ever thought of all the advantages of being single or all we all so brainwashed that we can only think of happiness and completeness in terms of a relationship? Why do we make being single sound like a deadly disease? Being single may not always be a picnic but I would far rather sleep alone than alone with someone lying next to me. Why do we never ask, “Why are you in a relationship?” This question would prove far more difficult to answer, at least honestly. Why do we only question those who are single? Why is it that only us poor single folk get the pity glances when we say “table for one” and the awful interrogations as to why we have not settled down with someone? Why is it unacceptable to be happy and single but quite alright to be lonely and depressed but in a relationship?

Why is it that we look at our value as being directly proportionate to whether or not we are currently in a relationship? Why can’t we ever be complete alone? As the saying goes, “no man is an island,” but I do believe man can be self-sustaining and whole without relying on someone else to make him happy. Why do we look to others to makes our lives seem meaningful? Dig deeper within yourself and find true happiness with who you are rather than who you are with. We define ourselves; we are not defined by our “significant” other. Only when you find happiness with who you are can you ever truly find happiness with someone else. There is nothing wrong with being single. There is, however, something wrong with being in a meaningless relationship just for the sake of feeling falsely complete.