05 June 2008

persuading your woman's freaky side to come out to play

Lack of sex from your woman making you hungry with envy of all your single buds who seem to be putting their cock to use every night? Wishing there was a magic button you could press to bring out your girl’s inner sex kitten?

Unfortunately men, women just aren’t hardwired like you to crave sex every ten seconds. This isn’t to say we don’t think about it or want but for a lot of women, they have to be in ’the mood’ which means you’ve got some work to do. Lying on the couch and beginning to whisper naughty phrases while caressing her breasts in the middle of Grey’s Anatomy isn’t your golden ticket to sex. But cooking her dinner, doing the dishes, and making sure the house is quiet during her favorite show is.

Despite women’s badass independent attitudes these days and their spouting off the ridiculousness of romance and love, deep down all women still want their knight in shining armor to come sweep them off their feet. Romance seems to be a hardwired desire like loving to shop for shoes and a deep appreciation for chocolate. It is quite possibly the quickest and easiest way to get your woman in the mood. Learn to romance your woman with little gestures. Fortunately men, this can be done with a few choice actions on your part. Yes, it may seem tedious at first, but do you want sex or not? And moreso, do you want a lot of it?

To get your woman to remember how much she wants to jump your bones, try sending her flowers at work but not just a dozen roses. Create a custom bouquet with her tastes in mind. Go out of your way on random days to let her know you are thinking about her. Compliment her but do so with specifics. Not just a ’wow, you look sexy’ but more of a ’wow, those underwear really make your ass look amazing.’ Or if you really want to pay a sincere compliment and get extra bonus points, compliment her on a personality trait or praise an accomplishment. Plan a picnic lunch instead of taking her to another restaurant for dinner. If she is into theater, purchase tickets to an upcoming show and actually praise the show afterwards. Listen to her and take a general interest in how her day was. Take the time to notice the little things that she does to look hot for you. Wash her car. Bring her coffee in bed or make a special trip to Starbucks for her. Take her car in to be serviced. Remember her mother’s birthday. Pack her a lunch with a special note just for her. Unexpectedly show up at work with a single flower and take her to a surprise lunch. Give her a foot massage. A woman who feels loved and desired is far more inclined to have sex with you than one who feels that you just want some nookie. And not just spread her legs for you sex, but mindblowing sex that will leave a lasting impression for months and years to come.

Remember early on in the relationship when sex was bountiful? What were you doing then that you aren’t doing now? Did you send your girl emails every morning to let her know you were thinking of her? Stop by unexpectedly to say ’goodnight’ with a kiss? Make her breakfast in bed? Compliment her when she got dressed up for a date? Even if you didn’t do all these things, start doing them now. It is the romantic gestures that show women that you not only care about the relationship but that you are invested. It may seem silly or ridiculous to you, but women have sex because they love you but they also need to feel your investment in the relationship. Try to be original and creative while keeping her tastes and preferences in mind. Sometimes the simplest things such as picking her a flower from a bush as you walk by will work miracles for your sex life.

Yes, this means you are actually going to have to work for sex but remember the more you showcase your love and attraction for her through romantic gestures, the more likely you are to come home to your girlfriend dressed in a naughty schoolgirl outfit and ready to please you all night long. Do the unexpected. It is the little gestures that make women feel loved and appreciated. It is these little gestures that make you both feel loved and appreciated. Loved and appreciated women screw their men til the cows come home and are less likely to bitch and complain.

05 May 2008

cyberloving & being dumped via text message

It has broadened our horizon, it has dramatically effected the way we conduct business, it has opened our social network on a global scale, and it has significantly eroded our ability to communicate face-to-face. While technology undoubtedly has produced a vast array of advantages in efficiency, communication around the globe, and worldly knowledge, it has also given rise to a world of impersonal communication. It is turning interaction into a heartless machine where we utilize machines to relay our conversations.

Today, we interact more through emails, the Internet, self-serve kiosks and text messaging than with actual people, this especially holding true for people in their 20s. Lee Miller, in his article ’Technology vs. Relationships,’ states that "people in their 20’s not only have a great understanding and comfort with technology, they depend on it. Relationships almost don’t matter with them." We are becoming relationship lazy, in both personal and professional arenas. Our society is losing the art of relationship building as we are bombarded with more technological devices that enable us to distance ourselves even more from human interactions.

Undoubtedly, the perks of increased technology allow us to conduct business in more efficient manners as we are quickly able to send and receive multiple messages in seconds. We are able to conduct business meetings with business partners on different continents and we have unlimited knowledge at our fingertips through the Internet. We are even able to visually talk to loved ones in different cities, states, and continents through web cameras and microphones. But what about all the risks technology imposes to building relationships in the first place?

What about the fact that our generation has lowered the standard of relationships altogether?

What about the addictive qualities of technology or the fact that technology has become an indispensable item for adulterers?

What about the fact that technology, while getting our children to become more informed and confident when dealing with others, has also made them more noticeably emotionally detached, less loyal and less caring when interacting with others?

According to John O’Neill, the Director of Addictive Services, at the Menninger Clinic in Houston, finds that technology may be as addictive as alcohol or drugs and it has the potential to wreak havoc on personal and professional relationships. He calls this ’technology overload.’ When the Internet becomes a more powerful draw than spending time with family or friends or when someone pays more attention to gadgets than what is happening in real life. In an article on Geek Love, Heather laments about her romantic relationship that ’wherein we used to actually interact with one another during cab rides, or walks or, you know, dinner, now I sit there and watch him make love to that damn phone." The essence of relationships is communication and if a person can not communicate without putting it into type then there’s a definite problem.

In a world with a thousand means for communication, why are we using these technological breakthroughs for evil rather than good? We have some great ways now to open up and tell our loved ones how we are feeling but instead we are using our technological gadgets to lie and deceive more than anything. What person wants to open an email to discover that their boyfriend/girlfriend has dumped them? Call me old fashion but it simply isn’t civilized. We are not only becoming relationship lazy, we are becoming relationship cowards as we hide behind our computers and mobile phones to tell someone how we really feel. We no longer have the decency nor courage to interact with someone face-to-face. Hell, I’ve noticed a dying trend in a man’s ability to actually pick up a phone and call a girl for a date. Why risk rejection via the phone when you can send out a mass email to lal your internet ladies to see who is available next Friday? And not only are we lessening potential relationships through frequent use of technology, we are utilizing technology to cheat in astounding ways.

We like to believe technology offers nothing but advantages. Are you still optimistic after these statistics? Unless you consider your mate being enabled to cheat now easier than ever before an advantage, you may want to rethink your stance on being technologically optimistic.

In a study conducted for the famous divorce lawyer, Michen de Reya, it concluded that 46% of people claimed that the advent of emails, texting, and Internet chat rooms has led to a massive rise in the number of people being unfaithful to their partners. 29% admitted using emails, text messaging, and chat rooms to flirt with potential partners or nurture an affair.

In a study involving 16,500 people by The Carphone Warehouse, their study discovered the following. Over 57% of individuals in the 18-24 age group have sent or received invitations to a date via text message on their mobile phone. More than one-fifth received a "Dear John" message and many people said it is reasonable to use text to avoid a conversation. One in four mobile phone users said sending flirty text messages doesn’t constitute cheating. And 21% of mobile users use their phone to deter people from approaching them. And most importantly, text messaging is now the number one phone activity, even surpassing that of using the mobile phone to actually engage in conversation.

Impersonal communication is ruining our ability to communicate with one another, especially when it comes to forging romantic relationships. We use the Internet to select potential mates, we use emails to prod and probe for more information, and we use text messaging to arrange our dates but at what point do we actually begin to interact with someone? Even after date one, it is becoming more and more customary to see an email or a text message as a follow-up rather than the old fashioned phone call or flowers. What happened to personal declarations of interest?

Nowadays, we start and end relationships via technology. How long will it be before we cut out the middle ground completely and opt to have entire relationships via our technological gadgets, virtual flowers and cybersex included. Yes, technological gadgets make it easier and more convenient to stay in touch on the go and in a time when our time is sooo valuable, but it also impedes on our ability to romance someone. Relationships and romance are being devalued as technological use increases. Virtual kisses just don’t have the same impact as the real thing, nor do virtual flowers, cards, or messages for that matter. One study said having a tv in the bedroom can cut your sex life in half, imagine what being wired 24/7 can do.

We now have dating services enabling us to post a profile online and receive automatic text messages when a match is nearby. Convenient – yes. Relationship building – not exactly. What happened to simply taking a chance by walking up to someone in the grocery store and initiating a relationship the old-fashioned way? Is our time so valuable and limited these days that we must rely so heavily on technology to even help us find our soul mate?

There is no doubt that technology has its merits, especially in the business world. But using it as the preferred method of relationship communication endangers us all to losing the fine art of building lasting and meaningful relationships with humans as opposed to technologically savvy gadgets. As we use impersonal means of communication more frequently, our words lose their value as does our ability to keep our word. The great technological paradox is that while we heavily rely upon technology for communication, it is making us lonelier as we lose our on human interaction. Most psychologists will argue that communication is the problem couples identify with most and with the increase in impersonal communication is it even shocking? We live heavily computerized lifestyles where communication through palm pilots, computers, cell phones, and devices used to connect to the Internet are normal both at home and on the job. But when do these computerized gadgets need to be tossed aside for some good old fashion face-to-face conversation? When do we need to stop encouraging interaction through technological gadgets and encourage interaction through genuine communication? Why is genuine communication between people who care for one another so difficult?

Is technology helping or hindering our ability to build relationships with each other?

25 March 2008

drive thru husband order...the new way to pick a mate

"Hi, I'd like to order one husband please."

"Sure what husband package would you like"

"Um… how about package 3 but can we add a side of extra income, please?"

"Of course. Please pull through and we'll have your husband waiting."


Is this what it is going to come to for choosing a mate? Simply ordering the one who fits you best on paper. Taking notes and writing off those who simply don't fit your ideal standard of a life partner? How do you write someone off before you really get to know them? What if the perfect person for you is right in front of your face and you knowingly pass them by?

Should we forfeit passion, romance and love for someone who fits with us perfectly on paper? If I wrote down all the ideal characteristics I wanted in a man, or more so, ones I thought I could not live without does that mean simply because a man met those criteria that he would be the one for me? That he would offer me everything I ever dreamed of? Of course we all have wants and desires, but how soon should you write someone off because we fear they may not stack up to our paper criteria?

At this rate, we might as well just forgo dating completely and have everyone fill out a questionnaire of himself/herself and then match people according to their answers. Would it be a better alternative? Hell, why not we already have tons of websites out there that almost fit this to a tee. Foreign women seeking husbands. Beautiful women seeking wealthy husbands. Forget finding love on your own. Visit a website, create a profile, and the virtual partner of your dreams will materialize before your eyes.

If you are looking for these ideal characteristics in order to maintain the sanity of your mind and spare your heart any pain, you are a fool. Just because someone matches up with what you think you desire doesn't mean that they don't have the capability to shred your heart to tiny pieces. Don't believe me, look around at the divorce rate. Surely these people thought they had found their ideal match when they got married, and now?

When do you say when to someone?

Since when did love become this logical and rational way of picking people? Last time I checked it was about passion, romance and the feeling that this is a person you don't want to live without. Not logically approaching love by basically having them fulfill a questionnaire on who they are at the moment. People change so what is to say that someone that matches your criteria now will still match it in five years. What about someone you wrote off because at this moment they didn't fit one thing you were looking for but in a few years they are your ideal and you have lost out because you wouldn't take that risk. You wouldn't take a leap of faith. There are no guarantees in life, especially not when it comes to relationships.

Twice this year I have been written off in a very short time span. Not because there was a lack of interest but for what I consider to be petty reasons, these guys could not vision a life with me 10 years down the road due to current circumstances. Not definites. Not hardened facts about me that would never change. Not on aspects that had a direct impact on life during these 5 minutes but on items that would come later, down the road. These were not on areas that would never change but on something that was believed to be at this moment, during this five seconds of my life. Should we fail to take a risk on someone simply because they may not want something at this very moment, something that isn't a factor at this moment but may be years down the road? Should we possibly forgo years of happiness with someone on an off-chance?

What if you pass up the perfect person because all you cared about was having the perfect person on paper and thereby hoping to save your heart from inevitable pain? A pain that you can't guarantee won't happen because as great as perfection on paper is, you are forgetting about the inevitable human flaws that make us unique and unfortunately cause us to constantly re-evaluate what we seek in life.

How do you know that what you want this moment in life will be the same desire that you have five years from now? Can you guarantee it?

Should we write off actually getting to know people and instead just have them fill out a questionnaire to find out if they are compatible? Forget about if they can make us laugh, provoke us to look at the world in a different light, enlighten us to things we never knew existed, give us butterflies every time they look at us and make us a better person overall. No, let's forgo all that. Do they make enough money, are they tall enough, fit enough, know for a hardened fact if they want kids, do they live close enough, come from a respectable family background, smoke or do drugs, or will provide sex on a regular basis. Of course these are the more important matters in life. These of course are the things that make us happy. Not a person but facts and trivialities.

Forget taking risks and flowing your heart, let's just do what the paper says. Then we'll know they are perfect and therefore incapable of hurting us.

At what point do you write someone off as not worthy of risking your emotions on?

Broken-Heart.jpg Broken Heart image by shatteredstar8885

07 March 2008

Learning to Bleed Love Again

The image

In 2003, my mother questioned me, at the ripe age of 23, how I turned out to be so jaded when it comes to relationships and love in general. I wrote that at 23, when most people are still hopeful or still hopeless romantics, I am neither. That I had given up on both for what should I be hopeful for. Hopeful for someone to show up and break my heart? That I would love to believe I will get one of those fairytale romances that you see in the movies but I'm realistic. Those things simply don't happen in reality. Being jaded keeps you from suffering the pitfalls of love. Keeps you from believing in false realities.

But what if all it really does is keep you from living?

What if pretending to be a badass independent heart breaker does nothing more than keep you locked away behind a wall, a wall where you have no heart and soul and where you are only seen as some elusive figment of a fantasy?

It's been over three years since I've had any inkling of a relationship and sometimes, over time, we forget what it is really all about. Over the years we become bitter and disillusioned, wondering 'does love really exist?' As a teenager, we are free with our heart, we may wear it on our sleeve, but we also know the meaning of loving unconditionally. We have lofty ideals of love and romanticism, how could we not given the way it is portrayed in the media that we lap up like eager kittens. Through romantic-comedies, Disney fairytales, love songs, classical portrayals such as 'Romeo + Juliet' and 'The Phantom of the Opera,' as well as romance novels, we embrace the notion of true love.

The image

When I was younger I wholeheartedly embraced the motto of 'the greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return' (Moulin Rouge). But after your heart has been shattered and you watch relationship after relationship crumble around you, you begin to wonder if wholeheartedly giving yourself to someone is a wise move. Then, you freeze, you hide, and you barricade yourself behind invincible walls so you don't feel any pain. You begin to cherish your emotional barriers for they are your painkiller. You learn to strategically play the game, keeping your vulnerability at bay. Only unleashing the parts of you that open yourself up as a human without really ever individualizing you.

And for what – to keep your heart from taking a beating? A loss not compared to sacrificing all the great moments because you are simply afraid to leap. Are we unable to go the distance for love on the off-chance that we may get stung?

But what if all these barriers came down? What if you let yourself go live, actually live. Live in a world where you can actually wholeheartedly give yourself to someone. Where you are free from the fear of pain? Is love supposed to be logical, reasonable, and law abiding? Or are you supposed to see where the wind takes you?

What if you actually realized that 'once in awhile, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairytale.' Does it matter if it is eternal?

Deep down inside I keep the young idealistic and romantic version of me locked away. The one who's favorite movies are still and will forever be 'Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves,' 'Romeo + Juliet,' and 'Moulin Rouge.' And who hopes that if she ever gets married that her husband will have the talent to sing her favorite song to her and mean it. Even though I have had my heart shattered, I would never sacrifice all the happy memories I had with him just to save me a bit of heartache. Yes, deep down, my teenage self still dreams of my knight in shining armor. I just want to bleed love again for someone.

I was reminded today of the little joys that come about from love and so I decided to flip back upon the pages of my journal to a time when I was amidst love and this is what I discovered. A tribute to all that I loved and it made me remember that there is so much more than just perhaps a bitter outcome with kinky sex in the middle.

love.jpg love image by HEYbby_x


The way I feel when I am in his arms. His stubborn streak that rivals my own. The way he shakes his butt. The way he thinks he can swirl ice cream in a cone better than anyone else and yet he only gets the ice cream for the sprinkles in the bottom of the cone. The way he sings to me, not only real songs but also ones he makes up just for me. How he tries to make up his own words like raxxle, paxxle and schnaxxle. How he hates to have his photo taken and still lets me use him in my black and white photos. How he noticed how much I used the OED online and bought me one of my own. How he knows when I get into bed and he rolls over and surrounds me in his arms. How paranoid he gets about his hair. The way he makes me still want to be in his arms even when we are fighting. The way I feel when I am in his arms.

What is love to you?

Have you protected yourself inside an invincible fortress simply because you are afraid of being hurt?

Would you sacrifice all of your happy moments in a relationship to offset a heart-break?

secretly, we are all sexual deviants

"Rabat, Morocco. Every evening Amal the octopus vendor looks on as sin returns to his beach. It arrives in the form of handholding couples who hide behind the tall, castle-like quay walls in the city's harbor district to steal a few clandestine kisses. Some perform balancing acts on slippery rocks and seaweed to secure a spot close to the Atlantic Ocean and cuddle in the dim evening light. The air tastes of salt and hashish. On some mornings, when Amal finds used condoms on the beach, he wishes that these depraved, shameless sinners -- who aren't even married, he says -- would roast in hell." (Sex and Taboos in the Islamic World)

In a time where sexual liberation confronts centuries of prudish conservatism in a death match fit for the ages, how do the sexually liberated, sexually free, sexually taboo present themselves in a society that clearly condemns their behavior as freakish, unpleasant, unnatural, sinful, violent, problematic, and sexually abnormal. And when even they, the believers and desirers of these sexually taboo fantasies, are so reluctant to admit, even to one another, for fear of being seen as odd, strange, perverted, abnormal, or a sexual deviant, their own sexual fantasies. How do you embrace that which you sexually desire in a society that anything straying too far from missionary in a marriage?

Are our Puritan roots still strongly at play?

In the 1600s when Puritans ruled England death was decreed for adultery. Until recently, as a result of tremendous church pressure, nearly every state in the US had Old Testament-style laws against 'fornication' and 'sodomy.' And it wasn't until 1972 that the US finally allowed married couples to purchase birth control. Scholar Ray Tannahill claims that early Christian leaders made sex and sin synonymous. Surely that is no shock as Western religions have spent millennia inflicting shame, guilt, repression and punishment upon human sexuality. And yet, in 1996, according to the US News & World Report, Americans spent $8 billion on hard-core videos, live sex acts, adult cable programming, sexual devices, computer porn and sex magazines. Clearly we are all sexually starved but the American clergy strive to censor sex from public media yet little objection is made to a movie with violent gore and excessive murders but a mere glimpse of a woman's nipple and all hell breaks loose.

Given all the hullabaloo about Janet's nipple sneaking a peek at the Super Bowl a few years ago, is it any wonder why the world of fetish and S&M is still so misunderstood and feared?

Tell a vanilla about your love of spankings, of latex, of the thrill and arousal from being choked, of taking control over another, of the desire to be humilitated and watch the sheer atrocity of it all slowly spread across their face like a wild fire. We live in a society that believes it is sexually liberated, and yes, compared to some cultures, like Islamic cultures, we are far more sexually liberated but it only is as long as you consider missionary sex with less than ten partners in your lifetime liberating. Yes, we have come to generally accept sex outside of marriage. Yes, we have started to accept interracial couples and slight fetishes. No, we are not mutilating women to keep them from being sexually active or forcing women to cover their body for fear of the effect they will have on men like some cultures. But as The Ethical Slut states, "so much of our culture is based on shame about sex. The oppression of women, of cultural minorities, oppression in the name of the (presumably asexual) family, and oppression of sexual minorities. We are all oppressed. We have all been taught, one way or another, that our desires, our sexualities, are shameful."

Why is it that we must continue to live in sexual secrecy? We either must pretend to be someone we are not, maintain secrecy about our sexual desires, never have the courage to bear our sexual fantasies, or be shunned and condemned for our true sexual liberation. Our ability to openly embrace our sexuality. Our ideals of freedom come with limitations when it comes to sex. While we generally are a tolerant country, our tolerance does not spread equally among all variants of the human sphere. Sex maintains to be one of the greatest taboos of our civilization, that is unless perhaps you are married and practicing your missionary techniques.

In an article by Erwin J. Haeberle, he states "It is therefore hardly surprising to find that the celebrated "Universal Declaration of Human Rights" says nothing about people's right to control their own bodies. The document only cites the "right to marry and to found a family" and to choose one's marriage partner freely (Article 16). There is no mention of a right to sex education or sexual fulfillment, the right to free choice of a sexual partner or type of sexual activity, a right to contraception or abortion. Nor is this merely an oversight. Unfortunately, there is little doubt that even today the General Assembly of the United Nations would overwhelmingly reject any official declaration which dared to affirm these rights. Too many member states still consider sex legitimate only within marriage and for the purpose of procreation."

Is it truly any wonder that we are still so sexually restricted? In an age where everything in the media is perpetuated by sex, we still can not only embrace or indulge our own fantasies. We must seek them out secretly for fear of being labeled in a negative light.

As a sexual deviant, how do you cope with the pressures and limitations society puts upon you? If you prefer a more vanilla lifestyle, what is your stance on those who do enjoy a little pain or other sexual fetish? Who do you blame for societies limited perspective on sexual acceptance?

02 March 2008

I ain't saying she's a golddigger but....

In the 80s it was Madonna's 'Material Girl.' In the 00s it is Kanye West and Jamie Fox's 'Gold Digger.' It is the media perpetuation of the perception of women as nothing more than money and status hungry fiends. In Jane Austen's 'Pride & Prejudice,' one of Mrs. Bennett's opening remarks to her husband concerning Mr. Bingley's arrival in the neighborhood is, "A single man of large fortune; four or five thousand a year. What a fine thing for our girls!" only helped perpetuate this stance for almost two hundred years now. Women across the world want to marry up. Men are quite aware of this notion, although today's endearing term for these women is 'gold digger,' but have you ever stopped to reflect upon why so many women want a man with status, power and wealth?

Surely it has crossed your mind that a woman's desire to have status and money stems form an inherent mooching and chocolate gene whereby she can thus spend her days on the couch watching an endless stream of soap operas while devouring box upon box of bon-bons while on rare occasions providing her husband with some sort of sexual gratification to keep him complacent. Hopefully by now, you have discovered this notion to be completely rooted in myth. If not, try the following on for size.

Let's go back to the beginning. To the most basic fact of sex – reproduction. Men are quite efficient limitless sperm producing factories that roughly produce sperm at the rate of 12 million per hour. Women, on the other hand, always prone to quality, produce a limited number of approximately 400 ova in their lifetime. Before the rise of condoms and birth control, one act of sexual intercourse for a male required, and to this day requires, minimal investment but for a woman can result in an obligatory and energy consuming minimum investment of 9 months. It is this greater initial investment by a woman that makes her a valuable, but limited resource, and also a highly selective mate. Since women of the past risked enormous investment as a consequence of sexual intercourse, evolution favored women who were highly selective. So how did this risk of pregnancy impact our evolutionary desires?

Men differ in thousands of ways and yet only a handful of traits became necessary in a woman's selection criteria. Over hundreds of thousands of years, women's selections focused laser-like on the most adaptively valuable characteristics. Evolution favors men who possess attributes that confer benefits rather than those that impose costs. Why? For hundreds, if not thousands of years, a woman's sole financial resources and security was solely dependent upon a man. It is for this reason that preferences for outie belly buttons and blonde hair and blue eyes did not evolve as our selection criteria. Only traits that insured the survival of a woman and her children became our preferences. While each woman assesses needs individually based upon her unique circumstances, there are a few prevalent universal traits and there is always the assessment on a man's value by looking beyond his current position to his evaluated potential.

Go ahead, continue thinking all women are merely shallow gold diggers but also know that the most ancient and pervasive basis for female choice in the animal kingdom regarding mate selection is his economic capacity. Consider the female Grey Shine bird who chooses her mate based upon his cache. Each male builds a cache comprised of prey animals to use to attract female mates and the males with the largest cache win. Scientists proved this point by decreasing some of the males caches and then noting the lack of female response to those males; thereby clearly demonstrating the females desire to have a mate who can provide for her and her offspring. In humans, a man's power, status and wealth are equitable to the Grey Shine's cache of prey.

Why the need for commitment and monogamy? Throughout evolutionary history, women could garner more resources for children through a single spouse than through several temporary sex partners. In times when women were expected to run the household, care for the children and not enter the business world, how else were they expected to secure their and their children's survival if not through finding a mate who could adequately provide for them? In a world where men made all the rules and kept women behind closed doors, how else was our race to survive aside from women developing preferences for the men who could sufficiently provide food, shelter, defend their territory, protect the children, tutor kids in hunting and the art of war, in the strategy of forming alliances, and transfer status. Items certainly not securable through temporary sex partners.

In 1939 a study was conducted on 18 desirable mate characteristics. The study concluded that women rank financial prospects as two times as important as men. The same study was replicated in 1956 and 1967 and the results were the same. Unfortunately for power challenged men, the sexual revolution of the 60s and 70s failed to change this. Thinking of venturing elsewhere in the world? Think again, the international studies produced very similar results. Women across all continents, all political systems, all racial groups, all religious groups, all systems of mating place more importance than men on good financial prospects.

Face it, women desire men who command a high position in society because social status is a universal cue to the control of resources. In the US, high social status positions are indications of good financial prospects as well as stable providers. In ancestral times, a man's social status was a clear indicator of resources and his ability to provide for a woman and her children as well. It is only natural that this desire has passed on through the ages. While women can earn as much income and achieve the same social status as men now, we can't expect thousands of years of evolutionary imprinting to transform overnight. Besides as Kissinger so eloquently stated, "power is the most potent aphrodisiac." Don't believe him? Look at Donald Trump's wife.

As hierarchies are universal features among human groups and resources tend to accumulate to those who rise in the hierarchy, women solved this adaptive problem by acquiring resources by preferring mates who are high in status. That's right boys, we all want to marry up, despite our own ability to achieve power and monetary success. While modern birth control has eliminated our need to be as selective in choosing sexual partners, our psychology and preferences have evolved over millions of years and will not be changing any time soon. So, how do modern men get women? Easily. Take lessons from Donald Trump.

Considering a woman's evolutionary preferences but her own ability to obtain that which used to be solely obtained through a man, do you think it will be problematic in the realm of dating and relationships?

27 February 2008

on being the undatable sex kitten

'I have never, nor will I ever behave myself in the bedroom. I will always be very, very bad. And I will most definitely behave like a whore.' (sexkitten)

'We want a nasty porn chick, but we want her to be our nasty porn chick since we can't handle the thought of her being some other guy's nasty porn chick before us' (the mad goat). This is what no one told you about being a sex kitten. The unwritten, untold double standard men hold women to sexually where as a woman you must choose between fulfilling your own sexual fantasies or having a relationship. What is a girl to do? If you are sexually restrained you get to wear the white dress down the aisle but have missionary sex the rest of your life as you raise your children or you get to be the vivacious sex siren fulfilling all your sexual desires at the cost of possibly never having a meaningful relationship. How do you choose your fate?

It's become apparent that while men claim they want a lady in the street and a freak in the bedroom that what they really want is a freak to the extent that it does impede upon their perception of the woman as a wholesome motherly figure. According to Mental on why men don't date sex kittens he says, "[men] view the women who would fulfill all their sexual fantasies as trashy, unworthy to be more than someone they can abuse, slut out if you will. The woman they marry, give their undying love to before God, friends and family, they will not allow this woman to do anything close to the realm of fantasy." So basically as a woman you get to be a sex kitten or a mother but never both.

But then you stumble upon a point that Dan, the Gentleman of Leisure makes in his blog about men watching kinky hardcore porn and after having a taste of it desiring it for life. Dan claims that after having a taste of the kinky life "you want the ole' girl next door to date in order to complete your life and fulfill some bullshit fantasy you had as a child. Marriage, white picket fence, kids, etc…The kind of lady who cooks and cleans for you, and still has a job to make a nice life for yourselves. But you can't see doing nasty shit to these chicks because of the illusion of them being motherly and wholesome is gone. Straight, up and down, missionary sex is the norm here…But you've seen what could be out there. You need the girls, the women who like it hardcore. These aren't the marrying types, no sir." How do you reconcile these desires men if you can't have both? Or do you try by cheating?

As a woman do you have to compromise your sexual desires to appear wholesome enough to date? As a sex kitten do you have to forfeit any idea of a relationship or marriage because you aren't dating material?

For women like myself who openly embrace their sexuality and kinky adventurous side, are we to give up on the notion of our happily-ever-after unless we want to forfeit our phenomenal sex life?

Does having a high sex drive and a strong desire for a taboo lifestyle cancel out every other quality a sex kitten brings to the table?

Should we be punished for enjoying sex as much as men? Sure, we can have all the wild crazy sex we want but at what cost?

Do we have to forfeit any chance at a relationship in order to quench our sexual thirst?

I am not worthy of having a boyfriend because I openly admit and express my love of sex. And not just any sex but hardcore, kinky taboo sex. The kind of mind blowing sex that leaves you fantasizing for years afterward. Forget that I am kind and compassionate. Forget about my intellect and ambition. Forget my passion, sense of humor, loyalty and honesty. Forget about my ability to love and be faithful. Forget about all my other wonderful characteristics that make me who I am. Forget about all I have to offer. Forget them all because I embrace my sexuality and apparently that outranks everything else and makes me nothing but a common whore at your disposal. I am not worthy of meeting your mother because you are not secure enough to handle my sexuality.

So go ahead, date your pathetic prude of a girlfriend. You know the one who can't hold a conversation, the one who has nothing in common with you, the one who is your doormat but apparently mother approved. Run off with her, the wholesome prude who can meet mom and lie on her back like a good doormat so you pound her missionary style for the rest of your life. Just don't come complaining to me when your cock forgets how to work, when you forget what it means to actually have a passionate, intriguing, stimulating and adoring girlfriend, when you forget some of the things that love is really about.

21 February 2008

dating the sexually challenged

"We want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed."

It's quite obvious and certainly makes sense that men love sexy women and, even moreso, sexy women who are secretly sex kittens. What doesn't make sense, though, is why men date women who are the opposite of their desires?

According to an article, What Men Want, on Aspirenow.com by founder, Scott Andrews, a man's number two need is "consistent, frequent, passionate sex (or hot sex)." Andrews writes that men want a woman with a bit of a lusty animal side in bed and that a woman who is more vocal in bed and carries the attitude that goes with it is likely to get a lot back since men bond through physical connection. If this truly is what men want, then why am I bombarded with men who date women who are the exact opposite whom they constantly complain about while they, in turn, degrade the perfect sex kitten for being sexually liberated?

After posting the blog, How to Keep Your Man on a Faithfully Tight Leash, comments and messages flooded in, all with the exact same premise. 'I wish there was a way to relay this information to my wife/girlfriend.' Basically, how can I convert my prude of a woman into a confident sex kitten? Why do men find themselves getting into relationships with prudish women only to thus complain to the sex kittens they so conveniently pushed aside?

Men, you end up with sex-withholding, unadventurous women because you only see the sex kittens as booty calls. The women who are more than willing to fulfill your every sexual desire you only see as a sexual convenience, despite all their other admirable personality traits. A friend of mine, in his response to the blog Playing by Numbers, wrote, "The way I look at it the girl who only has been with 3 or 4 guys I want to take home to meet my parents. But the one I want to spend the night with is the more experienced and adventurous one." Why can't the girl you want to spend the night with be the one you take home to meet your mother? In about 2 to 3 months, when the 'meet the parents girl' finally does satisfy your sexually urge momentarily, you'll be complaining to me about the abundant lack of sex in the relationship.

Including myself, I know of at least four women, off the top of my head, who are almost always single yet are ladies in the street and sex kittens in the bedroom. Are we single simply because we are sexually liberated, sexually adventurous and open? None of us have any flaws that should be deterring men from desiring to date us aside from the fact that we all love sex and apparently those are not the type of girls you bring home to mom. Instead you just bitch to dad about how your current girlfriend doesn't ever put out. We are the girls who are good enough to be booty calls and then good enough to come whining to when you want to cheat on your current girlfriend because she wouldn't know your cock if you smacked her on the forehead with it.

You wonder why your relationship lacks sexual luster when you date girls with the beliefs like the following two women featured on AskMen.com. J claims "sex isn't that important. After all, what's sex going to do for a couple if they're not compatible? My boyfriend and I experiment and have sex very often now, but once we're married sex will definitely take a backseat to more important issues." Or, a woman who believes and says, "I hate oral sex. I think that it is the grossest thing in the world. I gag at the thought of having a penis in my mouth. But my boyfriend is cool with it."

The 2004 survey done by ABC News Primetime Live concluded that "people who report more partners are more sexually adventurous and enjoy sex a great deal." Are you seriously going to fault women for having the same desires as you and who are openly willing to express said desires? These girls, the ones that you view as only booty calls, the ones who can and will fulfill all your sexual desires, want what all other women want, we just have your sex drive as well. We are still worthy of meeting your mother. Yet we are degraded for giving you exactly what you want. If we close are legs, we are prudes. If we open our legs too soon we are sluts. Peter Rodrigues on a msypace dating forum states, "we all like women that like to have sex. Bottomline. Men are easily bored after hitting the same thing time and time again. They like variety and they like to be entertained." If this is true, why do you choose to date the women who give you the exact opposite while faulting the sex kittens?

playing by numbers

In one case, twelve is seen as promiscuity and in another case it is simply viewed as successful experience. How much do you judge someone based upon their sexual stats?

At what point does a number cross from acceptable to 'too promiscuous for my tastes?" In one forum that discussed the issue of sexual partners, anything over double digits was taboo whereas in another discussion men and women were openly willing to accept partners with high sexual statistics. 67Comet's response about whether the number should be revealed was, "YES. I am old enough to know I like a woman that 'has been around a bit.' Experience = a better sex partner in my book;" whereas Guruji said "practice makes perfect but there's no need to divulge where you practiced it. If you're good at what you do, your partner should be happy. The short answer is NO!."

While there are apparently some who seem to be enlightened enough to not condone someone for their sexual adventures, most people, especially women, seem to worry about the prevalent, or perceived, double standard in society that praises men for being successful with women and demeans and labels women who are sexually successful with men. Perhaps this would account for men claiming to have 2-4 times as many sexual partner's as women. Are men lying to inflate their sexual reputation while women downplay their numbers to not be seen as a 'slut?'

In a 2004 survey by ABC News Primetime Live, they found that 42% of Americans consider themselves sexually adventurous, 29% have had sex on the first date, men and women almost equally have had 'rebound' sex to get over a failed relationship but women overrall report 6 total sexual partners to a man's 20. While the median for women is actually three and for men eight, these numbers are higher due to the five percent of men and one percent of women who have had over 99 sexual partners. Do these high numbers represent sluts and players or sexually liberated individuals who are in tune with their sexual wants?

I questioned a good friend of mine on what he thought of a man who had at least 20 different sexual partners and his reply was that he would think "nothing because I've had at least 20 women." When the same question was asked but altered to a woman with 20 different partners his response changed to his belief that she was a slut and that "bitches should only fuck up to five guys then stop til they get married. But even 5 guys isn't pure. Guys have to spread their seed. It's good for humanity. Women go whorin around and it fucks shit up." Granted his latter response was a joke but it still illustrates the apparent double standard that men are allowed to be promiscuous and women are not.

Are we still living in a time when men are praised for sexual activity and women are expected to be pure and virginal? Should your past actions only be between you and your conscious and not open for public debate? While all we really need to know is if our partner's are disease free as a number doesn't reveal any greater truth's about a person, are we still concerned about the number game?

Do you judge others by a different standard than you judge yourself? Do you have a limitation on how many sexual partners you are willing to accept from your partner or do you believe what's in the past should remain in the past?