In 2003, my mother questioned me, at the ripe age of 23, how I turned out to be so jaded when it comes to relationships and love in general. I wrote that at 23, when most people are still hopeful or still hopeless romantics, I am neither. That I had given up on both for what should I be hopeful for. Hopeful for someone to show up and break my heart? That I would love to believe I will get one of those fairytale romances that you see in the movies but I'm realistic. Those things simply don't happen in reality. Being jaded keeps you from suffering the pitfalls of love. Keeps you from believing in false realities.
But what if all it really does is keep you from living?
What if pretending to be a badass independent heart breaker does nothing more than keep you locked away behind a wall, a wall where you have no heart and soul and where you are only seen as some elusive figment of a fantasy?
It's been over three years since I've had any inkling of a relationship and sometimes, over time, we forget what it is really all about. Over the years we become bitter and disillusioned, wondering 'does love really exist?' As a teenager, we are free with our heart, we may wear it on our sleeve, but we also know the meaning of loving unconditionally. We have lofty ideals of love and romanticism, how could we not given the way it is portrayed in the media that we lap up like eager kittens. Through romantic-comedies, Disney fairytales, love songs, classical portrayals such as 'Romeo + Juliet' and 'The Phantom of the Opera,' as well as romance novels, we embrace the notion of true love.
When I was younger I wholeheartedly embraced the motto of 'the greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return' (Moulin Rouge). But after your heart has been shattered and you watch relationship after relationship crumble around you, you begin to wonder if wholeheartedly giving yourself to someone is a wise move. Then, you freeze, you hide, and you barricade yourself behind invincible walls so you don't feel any pain. You begin to cherish your emotional barriers for they are your painkiller. You learn to strategically play the game, keeping your vulnerability at bay. Only unleashing the parts of you that open yourself up as a human without really ever individualizing you.
And for what – to keep your heart from taking a beating? A loss not compared to sacrificing all the great moments because you are simply afraid to leap. Are we unable to go the distance for love on the off-chance that we may get stung?
But what if all these barriers came down? What if you let yourself go live, actually live. Live in a world where you can actually wholeheartedly give yourself to someone. Where you are free from the fear of pain? Is love supposed to be logical, reasonable, and law abiding? Or are you supposed to see where the wind takes you?
What if you actually realized that 'once in awhile, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairytale.' Does it matter if it is eternal?
Deep down inside I keep the young idealistic and romantic version of me locked away. The one who's favorite movies are still and will forever be 'Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves,' 'Romeo + Juliet,' and 'Moulin Rouge.' And who hopes that if she ever gets married that her husband will have the talent to sing her favorite song to her and mean it. Even though I have had my heart shattered, I would never sacrifice all the happy memories I had with him just to save me a bit of heartache. Yes, deep down, my teenage self still dreams of my knight in shining armor. I just want to bleed love again for someone.
I was reminded today of the little joys that come about from love and so I decided to flip back upon the pages of my journal to a time when I was amidst love and this is what I discovered. A tribute to all that I loved and it made me remember that there is so much more than just perhaps a bitter outcome with kinky sex in the middle.
is…
The way I feel when I am in his arms. His stubborn streak that rivals my own. The way he shakes his butt. The way he thinks he can swirl ice cream in a cone better than anyone else and yet he only gets the ice cream for the sprinkles in the bottom of the cone. The way he sings to me, not only real songs but also ones he makes up just for me. How he tries to make up his own words like raxxle, paxxle and schnaxxle. How he hates to have his photo taken and still lets me use him in my black and white photos. How he noticed how much I used the OED online and bought me one of my own. How he knows when I get into bed and he rolls over and surrounds me in his arms. How paranoid he gets about his hair. The way he makes me still want to be in his arms even when we are fighting. The way I feel when I am in his arms.
What is love to you?
Have you protected yourself inside an invincible fortress simply because you are afraid of being hurt?
Would you sacrifice all of your happy moments in a relationship to offset a heart-break?
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