the ever elusive break up

"When I spend time with her it's no longer fun because there is too much bitterness and resentment lying underneath it all. We live together but it's more like two strangers living together than a loving relationship. I haven't been happy in a long time. I was looking for someone to not only have sexual fun with but looking for someone to hang out with, go on dates with and have a good time with. I think she may have already found someone else."

When is enough, enough? How do you know when to call a relationship quits? Are the above mentioned reason enough? These were all sentiments expressed by one person regarding their current living situation with their "girlfriend" and yet he remains despite numerous reasons to simply walk away.

In a relationship that is seemingly going nowhere, how do you know when it is inevitably time to call it quits? What are the indicators? Are they different for each of us or are there some universal guidelines we may all abide by, such as seeking out someone new not only to fulfill your sexual fantasies but to also fill the intimacy, affection, and companionship voids in your life (voids that should be filled to the brim when in a relationship).

We seem to prefer a "comfortable" routine over our own happiness. Either that or we are all too chicken to face the unknown. To place ourselves back on the meat market. To be alone. But are some of us not already. Existing in a relationship that contains more resentment than love is no way to live your life. What are we all afraid of losing that we have not already lost before?

I was told all the above by a friend who lives with his 'girlfriend' and yet seeks out someone else to fill the voids in his life, not only sexual voids but companionship voids and yet I can not fathom how one could endure remaining in a relationship that seems so doomed for failure if it hasn't already reached that. What makes you stay with someone when the signs are all there indicating that it is already over? Because a break-up would result in the difficult task of determining who stays and who goes, what furniture stays and what goes, who gets the beloved cd collection or a prized piece of artwork? Or is it having to once again foot all the bills or face the unwanted task of finding a *gulp* roommate? and if you don't live with the person, your biggest worry after a break-up may now be where to spend your Friday evenings, hardly a life or death crisis. Or could it be because we get so comfortable in the routine of it all, even if it is a routine that renders us miserable. We hold tightly to this routine, afraid to let go, afraid to face the unknown because surely our miserable state with someone is better than being with no one. Are we all that afraid of being alone?

When I questioned my friend on why he would continue in this situation he asked whether I had ever lived with a boyfriend to which I replied 'no.' 'Then you have no idea what it is like,' he replied before going on a long bout of how I could not possibly fathom what it is like to live with someone and how difficult it is. Fine, perhaps I do not know what it is like to live with someone. But I do know what it is like to continue being in a miserable relationship where neither person is happy and I can't say I want to do that again. The signs were there. I avoided them as long as possible, knowing they were there but somewhat idealistically hopeful that things would magically work out if I simply wished hard enough. They didn't. And yes, it hurt to quit, admit failure in the relationship but after the initial sting I realized it was a brilliant decision and even though I no longer had anyone to curl against in the dark, I was happy.

So what does it take to finally admit failure in a relationship? Do most of us stay longer than we should simply because we are too afraid to take the risk of calling it quits and being on our own again? Breaking our comfortable routine for a life that admittedly has to be far better than dreading coming home everyday?

sex, morals and jesus christ

When it comes to sex, Americans revert to their adolescent, pubescent days of simultaneously intrigued, grossed-out, aroused, confused, obsessed and shameful behavior. Perhaps it is due to our nation still being in its infancy compared to most of the world or perhaps our conflicting sexual fascination and guilt originates with our founding members, the Puritans, who were the most devout and spiritual, and perhaps the most sexually deprived group in all of Europe.

As a nation, it doesn't take much to get our panties in a wad. While we like to righteously claim that we adhere to a strict code of family values and lofty, yet "ideal," notions of morality, we find it admissible to promote the adrenaline rush of watching a bunch of "steroid-crazed, wife-beating, semi-literate millionaires harm another bunch of steroid-crazed, wife-beating, semi-literate millionaires" (Diane Roberts) yet the idea of Janet's wardrobe malfunctioning thereby allowing all of America a nanosecond of a glimpse of her bare breast is outrageously inexcusable. As Diane Roberts so eloquently said, "Football is good, clean all-American fun. Sex is dirty, violence is okay." Since when did a glimpse of a breast outweigh the harm induced by violence, booze binges, murder and commercials claiming "erections lasting more than four hours require immediate attention?"

When did our morality as a whole be equated with our sexual morality?

Our media saturates our minds with sexual propaganda, images, stories, music and any other methods at their disposal, yet with all this titillating means of arousal and temptation we are not supposed to act upon it without compromising our moral stature, that is, unless we are keeping our lascivious activities within the confines of a marriage. God help you if you are not bound by matrimony. As for homosexuals, according to our strict equation of morality and sex are just doomed from the start. God forbid they desecrate the sanctity that is marriage. Yes, a sacred bond with fifty percent ending in divorce and the remaining half most likely sullied by secret affairs. Clearly the homosexuals would undermine the holy bond of marriage. Hell, even our Puritan ancestors were not pure enough to withstand adulterous or pre-marital temptation. There are numerous accounts of Puritans in the 1600s being punished for sexual deviance through whippings, brandings, and fines. Even their uncompromising code of conduct and sexual limitations, justified by the Bible, were not enough to suppress their inherent sexual desires.

As a species, we are inherently sexual in nature and, yet, through the years we have been brainwashed to believe that sex is impure and immoral unless it is within the binds of marriage. Our moral codes are complex definitions of right and wrong based upon well-defined value systems such as the Golden Rule, the Noble Eightfold Path of Buddhism, and the 10 Commandments of Judaism, Christianity, and Islamic religions. Morality though is confused with religions precepts since religions have provided both visions and regulations for an 'ideal' life. At the top of their list is the claim that an ideal life can be achieved through sexual repression and abstinence until marriage. Heaven forbid you have sex with someone you are dating and as for a one night stand, as far as religion is concerned, you are definitely on the 'damned' list. Perhaps if you chanted enough 'Our Fathers' you'd cleanse your immoral soul.

We observe sex in all aspects of our culture, where the media depicts it as a natural part of life, but still can not enjoy it freely. In spite of your religious affiliation, there are still deeply ingrained notions of sexual immorality. While we have evolved from considering anything outside of marriage to be taboo and immoral, we still have not evolved to the point of accepting multiple sexual partners or the idea of having unlimited sexual partners. For each of us, there still remains a line in our mind that someone can cross sexually to suddenly become immoral, whether it be by participating in a certain sexual act or by having one to many sexual partners. We still equate sex with morality. We will never be sexually liberated until our mental structure and moral inhibitions evolve.