resolutions

Each year we resign ourselves to determining a new year's resolution which we, at least for new year's eve night, promise to abide by whether it be losing weight, giving up soda, refraining from the frequenting fast food, waking up early every day, etc... Certain years we make these resolutions with total determination to see it through for an entire year. Other times we simply vow to abide by this resolution because we know it something we should currently be doing without a new year pressuring us into committing to it.
As we embark upon this new year, I've had a few realizations within the past month. First, and most importantly, I turn 25 this year. And to my own severe disappointment, I am not quite where I wanted to be at 25. Every day feels the same. While I'm not incredibly overjoyed with my job, I am at least somewhat content. I have too much debt partnered with too much weight and not enough happy moments. Secondly, I need to change my lifestyle or I'm going to continue on this present path of mine which I am not too thrilled about. So this year as my new year's resolution, I resolve to get my life on the right track.
2006 consisted of a lot of poor decisions coupled with a lot of life experiences. This year I resolve to figure out a career path and a life path and actively seek it. Of course, as part of my resolution, weight loss is included but is not my sole resolution since I have tried that in the past without much success. I'm also going to figure out my next move as far as career and location is concerned and go after both. So here's to a new year full of endless possibilities.

cerberus

In Greek mythology, Cerberus was the 3-headed watchdog guarding the entrance into Hades. Permitting only new spirits to enter the realm of the dead and allowing none to leave. Only a few managed to ever sneak by his defenses. Is that how we operate? With an internal Cerberus that lies deep within us all? A watchdog who guards our emotions, thoughts, vulnerability and heart from all those around us? A watchdog who allows only more heartbreak and tears and disappointments enter. One who swallows all our love and keeps it locked away. One who only the most clever can slip past.

When we arrive in this world, we are free and untainted. We give of ourselves freely to others. But at some point we start to hold back. As the hurt, pain and emotional scaring build up during our life we lock it all away. We withdrawl. Only those who have known us since we were young are able to deceive Cerberus. Each relationship we enter brings new hope but first you must also surpass all other failings from the previous ones. Once you have been tainted, you can never go back. In a relationship, you must first make up for someone else's wrong-doing before you can ever truly be let in. The first time you become disappointed by someone you are tainted. From then on out your wall begins to build. Slowly stacking rock upon rock as each person passes through your life letting you down.

We build walls. Impenetrable walls around ourselves. We believe these are to keep others out but are they really there to keep ourself locked in. Tucked away. Safe from harm. Safe from more scars. Is it better to have loved and lost than to never love at all? Is it better to find love or be in love even if that person doesn't reciprocate? Would you rather spend your life single but free from additional scars or would you want to throw yourself out there, without the walls, and experience love in all its grandor but also all its misery.

But how long can you take being disappointed in others? How long can you continue to have your heart-broken, feel betrayed, or feel used before it is too much? Is there a certain amount of pain we can endure before it is too much and we shrink back into our shells? How much is too much?

Our barriers lock us in. As much as they keep others out, they keep us locked away. Locked away from pain and misery but consequently also from happiness and love. Does happiness come in the form of living free and not worrying about how many times you are let down or is happiness found in protecting yourself from disappointment, heart-ache, tears and pain? You only live once. Do you want your life to be full of exreme happiness with bits of pain sprinkled in or one with mediocre happiness and almost no pain. Are you more afraid of loving too much or not loving enough?

dating in the real world

Within the past few years, I've learned some harsh lessons in the dating arena. The most damaging was dating in the real world is NOTHING like the dating portrayed on hit tv shows like "SATC" and "Friends." At least not for us average joes. I'm sure there are plenty of hot women like Carrie Bradshaw or men like Joey Tribiani who never get rejected but most of us discover, usually quite painfully, that this is certainly not the case when dating in the real world.
Lately, and by lately I mean the past 2 years, I've been going on a string of bad dates. Luckily and somewhat pathetically, they have never made it to date number two. A record I might add, but a sad one to boot. Throughout this course of never-ending bad first dates, I have recognized a certain trend in the male species. It is as if they have all read from the same incredibly bad 1st date book. Each one of them, no matter how awful or how great the date always seemed to end the date in the same manner: "I had a great time. Let's do this again." Of course they weren't all verbatim but the message was essentially the same. My question is this: if you never have any intention of seeing the girl again why do you leave the date with a line clearly signifying that you would like to see them again?
What is wrong with saying: I had a great time. Goodnight. Or while I had a great time, I just don't see this really evolving into anything. Seriously. It works as a great closure and doesn't leave your date embarassing herself at work the following day when she tells all her co-workers how incredible the date was only to end up feeling awkward a week later when they all ask how date #2 went and of course, there was no date #2 because you never called her nor did you ever intend to after date #1.
What is wrong with honesty? Yes, it will be a bit of an ego sting at first but in the long run you are doing the person a favor by not wasting their time the following days when they are left wondering whether you actually will call or not. And then if you don't, they are left pondering what they did wrong and what they need to improve upon for their next first date. Are men so afraid of women that they can't give them the decent courtesy of simply saying "I'm just not interested." Why lead us on? Why let us believe that you really would like to see us again when you have no intention to? I actually had one guy inquire so far as to what my weekend plans were that weekend and then upon hearing them suggested possibly getting together that Sat. night only to never hear from him again.
When did dating become such an art of deception and manipulation?

hell for a single woman

Recently, I found myself attending a wedding and not just any wedding but my best friends wedding. Weddings: the pitfall for all single women. Attending an event where the fact that you are single while your friend has found what you hope to be is eternal love, or at least eternal enough that she’ll end up with the vacation house, the dog and the jag before calling it quits, only reminds you of one thing: you definitely won’t be getting the vacation house or the jag anytime soon. Because you don’t even have a potential guy lined up to date let alone marry. Infact, you even had to bring your best friend to the wedding for lack of a real date. So unless your boss suddenly decides to give you an overly inflated, but well-deserved in your opinion, raise you won’t be saying “I do” to that new Jag anytime soon. So while you are incredibly happy for your friend, in an “I hope she chokes on that thousand dollar cake of hers” sort of way, you find yourself becoming and more miserable with every fluke of champagne you toss back. The situation only worsened still by the fact that your date, aka your male best friend who always gets dragged along, is being hit on, non-too-subtly, by the girl whom you and all the other bridesmaids loathe. That and the fact that there are absolutely no available men for you to hit on. Not even ones where you would pull a “coyote ugly” in the morning just to make yourself feel a tinsy bit better. Somehow Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson get to crash weddings and sleep with numerous women and end up with the girl by the end of the movie, yet here I am in a dress that set me back $200, which I sure as hell will never wear again, without even the remotest chance of meeting Mr. Right let alone Mr. Right-now. Not only am I surrounded by my now married best friend, but also by a sea of other friends who are all in happily content relationships. I’m starting to think, I need some new friends. Friends who are single and can wallow in misery by my side. Ones who do not have to call their “significant” other to let them know we got out of the movie late or that they are making a pitstop at a bathroom. And more importantly, ones who will drink all their sorrows away with me at the latest downtown hotspot. If gagging at the ceremony and having to put up with the first half of the reception, where we saw a slideshow of the bride and groom growing up and then meeting one another, wasn’t enough torture, it only gets better. The bouquet toss. Having a beautiful, but deadly, floral arrangement hurled at my head is not my idea of fun. “What’s the point,” I think as I make my way onto the dance floor, keeping myself distanced from the pack of foaming women awaiting the signal for them to release their claws. It’s like looking at a pack of starved wild cats as a single piece of food is about to be tossed into the cage. You can see the greed and hunger in their eyes. Only one thing separates me from them, my unwilling desire to have any part in this. Thanks but I think I’ll starve. I already have to declare my singledom to everyone in the room simply by being up there, I am certainly not about to sink any lower. Shouldn’t there be some kind of rule against this. Against a single woman with no potential husband, no boyfriend, hell not even a potential boyfriend at that, from partaking in this event. The whole point of the bouquet toss tradition is for the catcher to be the next to wed, or at least that’s how the saying goes. Well that definitely isn’t going to be me; so why take the chance of depriving someone else of happiness. This supposedly originated from the bridge chucking the bouquet at the drunken men who were attempting to take her garter off before the groom could get to it. Personally, I believe this little tradition was concocted up by bored married women who wanted to see their single girlfriends in even more misery. Apparently simply receiving the invitation stating “Leslie and guest,” and having your guest be your male best friend isn’t enough punishment. And did I mention, I was the only single person in the wedding party and my date got hit on the entire night by some tramp. Unfortunately we had no crashers at this wedding. Then the toss. The claws are out. Only the most deceiving can be the victor. Standing on the sidelines, alcoholic beverage in hand, I watch them trample over one another until one finally emerges as the clean champion. Luckily after this awful display I was finally allowed to return to sufficiently drowning my sorrows and waiting for the night to end. So I could go up to my empty hotel room, raid the mini-bar and watch a depressing romantic comedy. And this was only my first wedding invite. So it begins, I already have another one scheduled in the not too distant future. Damn.

the life of a singleton

i have often been asked on here, "why are you single?" first of all, i HATE that question. why does being single have such a negative connotation. has anyone ever thought about all the advantages of being single or are we all so brainwashed that we can only think of ourselves as being whole or happy when we are with someone else, even if that person isn't the right one for us or, worse, if we are in some type of abusive relationship. guys ask me this question making it seem like i NEED to be with someone. why do we make being single sound like some deadly disease? why don't we ever ask, "why are you in a relationship?" i think that question would be far harder to answer, at least truthfully. frankly, i haven't had anyone banging down my door lately. it's funny, everyone asks me this question yet there really aren't that many offers coming in which is a bit confusing. apparently guys make it seem like i am a catch since they ask that question yet nothing ever happens as a result. why is it that we look at our value as being directly proportionate to whether or not we are currently in a relationship? why can't we be complete alone? as the saying goes, "no man is an island," but i do believe man can be self-sustaining and whole without relying on someone else to make him happy. why do we look to others to make our lives seem meaningful? why don't we just dig deeper within ourselves and find true happiness with who we are rather than who we are with. we define ourselves, we are not defined by our "significant" other. let the chips fall where they may because until you can make yourself happy, no one else can do it for you. there's NOTHING wrong with being single. there is however, something wrong with being in a meaningless relationship just for the sake of feeling complete.
ultimately, i have come to the conclusion that guys don't actually want girls who are intelligent, sophisticated, funny, talented, ambitious, etc what they want is an arm piece or a trophy girl. essentially they want barbie. not someone with substance, although they claim that they do. what they really want is simply a hot girl. if they truly wanted someone with substance there would be a line outside my door.
i'm not saying women don't have their vices when choosing men; however, i do believe they look for more sensible qualities.

the ethical slut

the ethical slut

In this day in age, when everyone seems to be cheating on everyone else and the amount of sexual partners one has seems to be an ever increasing number, can we reprogram our inbred values and core of ethics to incorporate a new set of ideologies?

I began reading a new book today titled The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt. The opening chapter of the book discusses the new definition they would like to introduce on the term "slut." We're all aware of the present offensive definition of the term used to define women who are "voracious, indiscriminate, and shameful." Interestingly enough, the analogous word "stud" means quite the opposite. A stud describes a highly sexual man who recieves approval and envy from his sexual conquests. So how is it that men are esteemed for many sexual conquests when women are berated and demeaned by the exact same thing?

The book proposes we redefine the term "slut" to mean: "a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you." A slut in this instance may choose to have sex with themself or with multiple people and not be worsened by it because they believe sex and sexual love are fundamental forces for good. It is a place for communal living with many lovers who are all aware of the situation. No lying, no cheating, no unfaithfulness because there's no commitment. A deep understanding and appreciation of the goodness that can originate from a sexual bond where new lovers are welcomed as additions to the community instead of as competition.

Can human nature truly allow this type of society to exist peacefully? Can we redefine not only our definitions but ourselves to go against everything we were taught to accept this evolving lifestyle? We're already halfway there. We are having more sexual partners but still feeling the guilt and remorse from our upbringing. How do you rearrange your ethical center when everything you've been taught goes against it? Growing up we were taught to value sex as more than just pleasure.

I had a discussion with my mother this past Saturday with regards to threesomes. For her, she can not understand how you can share yourself with two people at the same time because sex to her is still an intimate bonding that does not occur outside of a relationship. Not just any type of relationship but the particular relationship we have had ingrained in us since our first waking breath. From the moment we are born, we are taught that sex is something to be shared between two people who love each other a great deal. But what is wrong with sex for sex's sake? I'm sure for the majority of us, our upbringing and cultural standards significantly conflict with our sexual desires.

So if there were no sexually transmitted diseases to worry about or unwanted pregnancies, if all sex was consentual and pleasurable, how would you feel about sex? Would you still feel shame, remorse, regret or guilt or would you simply enjoy it for what it is? Is it possible to throw out all our ingrained notions to simply have guilt-free, positive and pleasurable sex?

the "perfect" man

I'm finding myself comparing every man I meet to one. One who's high up on the pedestal and for no reason at all. See this isn't really the perfect man sitting high upon the untouchable throne. It's actually a complete jackass of a man, at least in reality, but the one I had envisioned, well he's sort of spectacular. I decide d to embrace the twenty-first century dating scene and signed up on Match.com. After a week of searching online men, he emailed me. Perhaps it was the lengthy emails or the originality that yanked me in, completely head over heels. I was floating on cloud nine before I had even seen the guy in flesh. If I hadn't known better, I would swear that someone was finding him all the perfect things to say. Not just general sentiments that would persuade any girl of his greatness but particulars that match me to a tee. I would like to say that it was just my imagination running away with well written sentences and beautiful ideas and contorting them into my own fantasy but I don't believe. On paper, he was perfect.
Upon mentioning my favorite song that I would one day like sung to me, he looked up the lyrics should the occasion call for it. Which was one detail among many. Had he been the person I envisioned, the person I thought he was, he would have been perfect. We finally met in person and had what I considered to be a phenomenal four hour date. Then again, maybe I was still in my fantasy.
Turns out he wasn't quite who I thought he was. Regardless of the abrupt ending, him inquiring as to my future plans only to never include himself in any of them, he still remains on that pedestal. Maybe, just maybe that's not really him up there but a mixture of him and the man I thought he was. My fantasy man.

tangoing with desperation

It's official, I'm desperate. Everywhere I look there are couples, couples, and, oh yes, even more beautifully together, hip-joined, hand-holding, happy couples. And then, there's lumpy old, well not so old, me. Standing on the sidelines waiting to be asked to join the game, me.
It's the 4th of July. A day of celebration and festivities. Festivities that are always a bit bittersweet when you have no one to share them with. Even more excruciatingly painful when you watch all the beautiful couples parading in front of you living their happily ever after or at least in your head you're envisioning their absolutely perfect life together while you come home to an empty apartment every night. An apartment null and void of even so much as a cat. The holiday curse of single life. Every holiday serving as an even bigger reminder that you are still single.
I realize I'm extremely bitter about this but it's not without reason. Or at least justified reasoning according to me. I've tried every method I can possibly think of to find someone to at least make it to date two with but with no avail. Internet dating services: been there, done that. Failed. Although I did reactivate my profile on one this evening after my pity party I threw for myself after being forced to watch all the happy couples parading in front of me. Friends setting me up. Done it, failed again. Bars, clubs, grocery store, retail store, movies, or any other public establishment you can think of. Again, done it and no luck. The whole dog thing. Yeah tried that as well. Nada. I'm dating challenged. The whole losing weight thing hasn't been working either. I keep thinking that maybe if I lose some weight the men will magically appear out of the woodworks. Who knows, perhaps they will if I ever become the size of a stick.
I am assured quite regularly that I am pretty, intelligent, funny, and blah, blah, blah and yet nothing. Apparently only my friends and family can see all these things but for just any regular average joe I must look like Medusa or have a huge sign on my forehead that says "fuck off." Who knows I can't figure it out. I just know I hate holidays when I am single.
I started watching "Must Love Dogs" and realized that I will be Diane Lane. No actually, I am her minus the actual offer for dates. Maybe I should just start investing in cats early. I can be the 24 year old cat lady. Now that might be a record.

online dating: helpful or hindering

Say good-bye to those dreaded blind dates that your coupled friends are so fond of setting you up on. No longer do you have to degrade yourself by going to sleazy bars or single events because on-line dating is the new hip way to meet people. Picking your newest Mr./Ms. Wrong is only a simple click away. In fact, you can even be lounging around with curlers in your hair, no make-up on, in ratty pajamas eating a tub of Ben & Jerry’s while you peruse through your latest set of matches. Not only do you get to see what they look like but you get to know a bit about them, like if they’ve been married, have kids, or have a job, before you even have to make the first move. No cheesy pick-up lines needed here. Sounds perfect, right? While you may not have to spend hours getting your hair to do that perfect flip or poke yourself in your eye with not only your eyeliner but also your mascara before trying on a hundred different outfits that you decide have somehow shrunken two sizes overnight, you do, however, have to consider what is wrong with these people. If they were really a “catch” as they claim wouldn’t someone have caught them by now? Why are they really using an on-line dating service?

As a true single girl, I am attempting all means possible at finding Mr. Right or at least my Mr. Right-now so I, of course, have attempted the unthinkable and unmentionable, online dating. Not that I would brag about this to all my friends; in fact, most of us online daters prefer to keep our cyber dates a secret. At first I thought online dating was the best thing since Atkins. Another way to cheat the system. Heck, with Photoshop, I can even make any defect disappear in all my photos, but then again, so can everyone else. Wink after wink, turning into email after email, eventually turning into a filling online black book. That was, until I meet them in person. At least in a bar, whether intoxicated or not, you know what you are getting. No Photoshop there. Sad to say that none of them passed the test. Now it has gotten to the point where I’m afraid to even check to see who “winked” at me because it’s gone so far downhill. The guys I want send me the generic “not interested” emails and the guys I wouldn’t even set my awful cousin, Colleen, up with are winking at me. Even worse is the fact that when I do stumble across an attractive man all I can now do is try to figure out his big flaw. Does he chew like a cow, spend more time looking in the mirror than I do, sleep with the light on, have foul smelling breath or some other repulsive habit?

Recently, the online dating service I use began allowing you to see all the people who have viewed your profile. Genius, some would say. Me, I think it’s driving me further into dating exile. Now I can see all the guys who looked at my profile and deemed me unworthy. I get to see all the hotties I “winked” at who don’t even to bother with the “I am not interested” generic email. Seriously, all you have to do is click a box. It’s not like they even have to type it. I’m now getting rejected by people who haven’t even met me. Just the thought sends them running for the hills. Ouch! When did online dating get to be more depressing than the real thing? And who are all these so-called people that actually found “love” online?

sexless and the city

When you’re not Carrie Bradshaw or Samantha Jones, the dating game takes on a whole new look. Men, especially the ones you desire, do not come flocking your way as soon as you enter the bar; and you certainly do not always end your night screaming in ecstasy. Instead, you go home, alone, depressed and ready to add yet another notch to your belt with all the comfort food you’ll be eating on the following day. Your only relief: knowing that you’ll at least be sleeping with one man: your ever faithful dog.

How did dating get to be such a complicated and nerve racking task? It’s become more of a chore than a pleasurable time. Growing up, everyone always made dating sound easy for women. Just look pretty and they will come. I may not be Angelina Jolie but I am certainly not Medusa either and I can certainly attest to not having a multitude of men surrounding me when I am out. I don’t get to have mind-blowing sex with a different man each night I hit the town, hell I can’t even get a call back when guys do come up and talk to me. Supposedly, it’s easier for women. I’ll admit if you are strictly looking for a one-night stand, of course it’s easier for women cause at least 90% of the men out there will take almost any woman home if it’s a sure thing. But if you are looking for that genuine guy who actually wants a relationship or at least wants to see you more than once then forget it honey, that’s like finding that needle in a haystack. I manage to stumble upon plenty of men who are willing to take me home with them to add as another notch on their bed post but none that are willing to take me home to meet their mother.

Dating in the real world is nothing like they portray it on tv. The Sex and the City girls never seemed to have problems finding dates nor did the girls on Friends or Grace on Will & Grace. Come to think of it, television makes the dating world look incredibly simple. Just walk out your front door and bang you’ve got yourself a date. Well, for any of us actually taking residence in reality you’ll know this is far from the truth because if dating in the real world was anything like tv or movie dating then internet services, like Match.com and eHarmony, and single events woud not be needed. Face it, who actually looks like Jennifer Aniston, Kim Cattrell or Matt LeBlanc or the new doctor on Grey’s Anatomy. Actually managing to get a date takes a lot of strategic planning and effort. And that’s just for one date. Who’s to say if you’ll actually make it to round two. Is it really worth all the effort it takes for us “average Joe’s” to get a date with today’s standards placed on men and women? Standards that only the Paris Hilton’s of the world can seem to live up to.

being single in an anti-single society

From the moment we are born til the moment we die, we are constantly reminded that two is better than one. Two heads are better than one. A pair of aces beats a single ace. There are all those buy one, get one free sales. Double features, two for one, the idea of a dynamic duo and then there are relationships. Over time, the notion of feeling complete through a relationship becomes so ingrained into our mindset that you can not help but feel you are better with someone than without. Until you have a significant other, you are meaningless. Any movie or story only embeds this notion further because they all revolve around the ever-present love story. Neither character can be complete until they find their “missing half.” Jerry McGuire said it best with, “you complete me.”

Often I find myself being asked, “Why are you single?” For me, this is the most loathed question of all. It can be both a compliment and insult rolled into one. Compliment if the person asking believes you to be such a catch that they are shocked you do not have someone devotedly attached to you. But, on the other hand, it could be an insult if it implies you have a flaw that has yet to be discovered. And since any respectable person would surely want to be permanently attached to someone else, this person simply wants to cut to the chase and find out what your flaw is. I get asked this demeaning question frequently, perhaps implying that I am a “catch,” yet I don’t have suitors begging to be with me. Do people really want you to answer this question truthfully? Here is my answer, “I am single because I choose to be, not because no one wants me.” While I may not have a line outside my door, I do have offers. They are just not good enough offers. I refuse to lower my standards on what I want simply because social standards demand that I have a significant other.

Has anyone ever thought of all the advantages of being single or all we all so brainwashed that we can only think of happiness and completeness in terms of a relationship? Why do we make being single sound like a deadly disease? Being single may not always be a picnic but I would far rather sleep alone than alone with someone lying next to me. Why do we never ask, “Why are you in a relationship?” This question would prove far more difficult to answer, at least honestly. Why do we only question those who are single? Why is it that only us poor single folk get the pity glances when we say “table for one” and the awful interrogations as to why we have not settled down with someone? Why is it unacceptable to be happy and single but quite alright to be lonely and depressed but in a relationship?

Why is it that we look at our value as being directly proportionate to whether or not we are currently in a relationship? Why can’t we ever be complete alone? As the saying goes, “no man is an island,” but I do believe man can be self-sustaining and whole without relying on someone else to make him happy. Why do we look to others to makes our lives seem meaningful? Dig deeper within yourself and find true happiness with who you are rather than who you are with. We define ourselves; we are not defined by our “significant” other. Only when you find happiness with who you are can you ever truly find happiness with someone else. There is nothing wrong with being single. There is, however, something wrong with being in a meaningless relationship just for the sake of feeling falsely complete.